Haven’t you ever loved someone so much that you’re willing to do anything to make them happy?
I’m only 25, feel like 20, and I have. How lucky is that?
We humans like to say we know a lot of things but, when it comes down to it, how much are you truly, completely sure of? Not just in your brain, but in your heart and soul? Or, in less sappy terms, by your senses, own morality, true desires, integrity and any other factor/criteria?
Can you count those things on one hand? Then you have been blessed. Do you have none? No worries, it’s never too late to live and be true to yourself. Can you count them on two hands? You either have very few criteria or you’re delusional. I find the latter is the most likely because I believe most people have some things they believe in. It seems to be part of survival instinct.
I know that this is the only love in my life, and the only one I want. I know that it will never die.
I know that I can handle the last trauma that’s still reactivating. It’s only there because it’s so new. I have to avoid the trigger until it doesn’t hurt as badly anymore and then process it properly when I have some rationality about it. That involves talking about it. I should do that before it becomes more distant. I’ve processed the disassociation and repressing. I’ve gotten incredibly far. There aren’t many steps left.
Strength is getting back up after being knocked down, not never getting knocked down. The only one that can’t get knocked down is the one that doesn’t care about anything. That’s not living.
Without the bitter, there would be no sweet. Something I’ve told myself my entire life to try to brace myself for the moment when it would all turn around. That moment when I would finally find you, the last thing that would propel me forward during all those lonesome nights.
I prayed that some day you at least wouldn’t push me away. That you would be the first and final exception to the rule that everybody leaves me behind. If I could only be around you, I’d be alright eventually. That’s what the forest told me when I asked the only presence I could truly feel around me. That somewhere out there was a spirit like me, and that I could find it.
It was often hard to believe in, but when it came down to it, when I stared at the blade’s edge, there was always that one thing left in me. It never left. So. Perhaps you never left. Perhaps I was right. That you’d be the first and only one to never leave me behind.
I also prayed I would be unique to you. That I would be the one with which you could finally begin to heal. So I gave it my all to understand people, souls and nature. It was natural to me. I was so convinced you’d leave me behind at several occasions though. It broke my heart every time to over and over be proven that I didn’t matter like I wanted to. As I was trying to spill my freshly broken heart out for you.
This is it though. It’s the greatest force in the universe, because it doesn’t yield. It’s the unstoppable force. Even the worst of betrayals repeated doesn’t budge it. Even endless pain repeated over and over doesn’t end it or diminish its flame. What is the immovable object? I fear to know and pray every day. I was never religious, but some things just make you not only wish, but pray. Every fiber in your heart and every piece of your soul just purely wishes.
It’s also like a train. It’s taking me on a journey where I endure everything as payment for my past. Intent doesn’t matter: I have to pay. Even if I’ve never wanted anything but the best, even if I’ve always been filled to the brim with love, it doesn’t matter if I was too battered to prove it absent time to recover. Timing is so important. It’s taking me on a journey where I have to endure the same fate over and over until my destiny decides I’ve had enough. Will that day ever come? I pray.
In 60 years or so if I die having made you a little bit happier in the end, I’ll have done some good at least. I’ll have done SOMETHING right. That’s all I really dare to hope for myself anymore.
But I pray for much, much more. Accelerating.
The pain isn’t as unbearable anymore. I can remember what it was like now. I was breaking down completely. I had no one, nothing and I thought you hated me too. I knew you needed someone, and what hurt most of all was that I was too weak. I knew I would only have dragged you down at that moment, and I said all I could muster to encourage, partially to try to convince myself you wouldn’t be gone after I had hopefully defeated my weakness.
I had no hope. Forgive me for not healing faster, but there was a lot. I’ve never felt cold, mean or cruel towards you. Not ever. There was always reason to why you did things and I understood that. Usually I understood the reason too. I’ve always cared. Every second. Always will.
If we’ll die, we’ll die. But first we’ll live.
You had all my love from the day I dared to hope you liked me even just a little. I grew, and by now it’s the strongest thing I’ve ever seen, yet it keeps growing every minute.
^If anyone hasn’t seen the songs this fluffball perfectly represents, do a search for them!
Hearing “I love you” said spontaneously is a definition of happiness.
Life is entirely bearable with just one light shining bright.
No matter where my hope may wander, to the deepest parts of unknown, distant and dark dimensions,
to ever-reaching amber horizons soaked in impossibly vast blue skies,
borne through millions of stories of people and beasts,
no matter where, there is a home still growing in my heart.
And it is unbreakable.
Captains of the Sky
This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.